http://www.jawapos.co.id/metropolis/index.php?act=detail&nid=28803

This is the first time since it was published like half a year ago that I came across this.
I had hell from my parents when months later they told me they were ashamed I actually gave such an interview and told me, "Don't expect that we will one day accept it, we will NEVER accept it."

"You are the manager??? Well, you certainly don't live up to it.. I thought the manager (of the band) will be this (humongous, gigantic) man who can control the boys."
Apparently, I'm too small.

"Leave, leave everything now. I will compensate them for any losses, and I'll give you money to buy anything and do anything you want."
Apparently, still she does not understand that this is what I want.

i'm having a bout of insecurity.

there i was sitting right next to him, he choked on his drink and when someone asked him what's up, he gave this reply, "oh, i thought that that girl is (me). she looks like her from the back."

and his friend said, "well but of course! (he) always recognizes anything from the back."

i thought i had meant at least more. i hate thoughtless comments and "jokes" from people which does not seem to factor in my feelings. i'm not always cool, you know.

I want to be a mother. Not now but soon enough. And I will love the child as my own.

Mine is one of the strongest and best woman I know because of the amount of shit I put her through. But hey.

On another story, I'm beyond exhausted. Woe, be gone.

I got a call from my client and she told me this:

"Can you expalain to me, how come my client can call me and demand that I explain the difference in quote when another event company can quote her just 4 members from W*cked A*ra for $XXXX?"

She has asked me if I can reduce the band to half-band for the performance, and I told her no. Due to branding concerns and sound quality.

I told her:
- I am the ONLY representative and ALL quotes come from me when it concerns the band.
- As I have told her, I have NEVER done this half band nonsense ever since I came on board (that was M*l's strategy, which I don't agree with)
- The other proposer must have either been mistaken, or is lying, or whatever.
- Mathematically speaking, you want to pay $XXXX for 4 person? Might as well get the whole band for $YYYY as I have quoted her. We have the reputation, we have the energy, etc.

She said thanks for clarifying, she'll get back to me.

Me? I was furious, balls. I messaged the boys sth to this extent:

"Which of you fuckers quoted 4 man from W*B for $XXXX? Please do not use the band's name for anything else, you all know how we should play this game."

Within minutes I have scambering replies from the boys. "Not me." "Nope definitely wasn't me." "Hahahaha! Not me lah..." something to that effect.
(Mental note to self: It does help being known that you are angry because these boys are aware that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.)
A couple of them didn't reply.

In the fashion of the universal love for gossip and conspiration theories, some of them started giving suggestions of their "suspicions"... "I think it's either ZZZ or MMM...", "this has happened before... it is either, AAA, BBB or CCC."
But this is not my first day at the job, so the way my brain has been trained to work has took a slight turn: I began to formulate another theory, and so, ignored their conjunctions.

Suppose this 'rival' events company hasn't even made contacts to the players yet?
This person (whoever the moron is) must have satisfied the following conditions:
a. have known me and hv probably talked to me about the band
b. have worked with my boys before my time
c. is aware of the band's previous pricings to have dared quoted 4-man for $XXXX (and thus is an idiot)
And s/he blatantly proposed the smaller group outing as he did.

I begin to have a few suspicions and got one of my friends to call my suspect. They came back negative, suspects don't even know about the job.
However, my theory still stands.

Today, I was proven right. The boyfriend got a call from a certain individual who have had apparently committed similar mistake, have talked to me in the past about this issue and I have made clear my stand, and this was what he said, "If I have a smaller team that is made up of you (the bf) and a couple of your team members, there shouldn't be any issues with Licia right?"

Of course there will be an issue IF YOU ARE USING THE BAND'S NAME YOU MORON. You are cheating the client and it is beyond non-ethical.

So case closed, I shall write a rather nasty letter to this individual. Well done, detective.

In Javanese:
"Pinter-mu iku gak nidur-no orang tok."
(The only thing you are good at is giving people a lack of sleep.)

Once again, nobody asks you to stay up.
In comparison, I cry because I'm sad, the starved children in Africa didn't make me cry.

Our shows will be in the following 5 cities of Kolkata.

New Delhi

Mumbai

Hyderabad

Bangalore

Kolkata

The venues will be 5 star hotel banquets with about 500 - 700 invitees in the audience.Besides air tickets, stay and hospitality as also stage , sound and lights, we will be glad to offer you .... These will be gigs mainly sponsored by a renowned liquor and beverage multinational company/brand.

HEARTS!

"We would like WICK*D *UR* B*TUC*DA for 5 gigs in India anytime suitable to you in AUGUST - NOVEMBER 2008 . Basically, we need them here for a stretch of 10 days."
-- India

YOU ARE SHITTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

This is practically an open-dated ticket for a 10-days holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

Just in time :D

Please email louderthanlight@wickedaura.com for passes.

Happening at Zouk on Friday, 15 August 2008, from 9pm to 11pm.

10 sets in 4 days. Someone kill us. Fasting month some more.

"So what are the things in your possession that belongs to me?"
Your cheque, your keys...
"... other than my cheque, my keys, my love..."
Your heart.
"No. Love and heart are the same things."
No, love and heart are not the same things.
"Yes. Love is heart. Heart is just the shape."

Ok baby, you win.

Come and join me and watch my boys play okay.

Day/Date: 26 July 2008
Time: 8.30 pm onwards
Venue: Blujaz Cafe, 11 Bali Lane
Admission is free.

What the fuck.

If one day I ever left a trail of "broken hearts" at home, can someone please tell them that life goes on. Blame me if you want. I don't think I've ever strived to be the world's most perfect daughter. But to be honest, you are making it harder for me yourself.

You are very tired you said. I know, because I am too. Everybody is. So stop. Nobody asks you to do the things you do. If you voluntarily wants to do some things, don't put the blame on me and saying I put you to it. You have the choice to do something or not. Please go get a life.

Don't threaten me that you will kneel down in front of me. I don't think it works, I will just walk away and not come back.
Don't EVER threaten me with going down to rehearsal and telling everybody else to let me go. I will hate you and walk away and not come back.
Worse, don't do it. I really will hate you and walk away and not come back.
So don't ever, ever tell me those words again.

Don't talk to me about cutting fingers and stuff. It hurts, but it's got to a point when I don't give a fuck.

Let me say something I have always wanted to say during those silences where you deliver your speech on how much shit I've put you through.
This is my choice. Nobody has put me through a serious choice of life and death. I am who I am, and part of something bigger out of my own will. I can go if I want to go. Thing is, I don't want to.

I'm not getting married at 24, and most definitely not going to have a kid the right the next year. So don't expect me to lead the same kind of life you've had.

So much for telling me that there are other happiness to be found elsewhere. Then go find your own other happiness.

I am in love with a man who's not Chinese. Live with it. Don't talk about disowning me, it's really the easy way out.

Do you have any idea how many times I feel I would just pack up and go? Like what's the point?

I have a lot of things to do and think about. Please don't clutter my mind further with repeated phonecalls telling me to go home. It drives me nuts and really doesn't help in making me want to go home at all.

So basically, just let me have my life the way I want it and I'll show you it will have a fucking future. I'll prove to you that it works.

Dear M*Y*,

Why oh why do you do all these so called "charitable" events to promote the vigor of Sing*pore's youths, like fashion shows and such, wants the best for everything and anything, and then give such a bad example as pulling out of a show last minute without informing the talent?

Hello world on the the cyber side. How have you been doing?

Things haven't been great. I have nothing, no time for myself, and for the past few months, everything has been only about something or someone else. No, "I" simply do not exist, nor does "me" as a purpose.

To cut story short, I'm busy involving myself with too many things. What's new right.

In the span of time that I've been missing, I:
- Am still managing W*cked Aura.
- Have gotten myself a new band to manage... a 'LIVE' dance music band.
- Have gotten yet another band to manage... I heard that it's a jazz band, and frankly it is such an honor for people to trust me so much with this shit when I'm sometimes unsure if I am doing the right things... I don't know the deal yet, I'll just find out tomorrow.
- Have gotten business running and co-ownering a studio. It's a huge step of independence and being my own boss, renting the space out, hearing The Man says that I'm Lao Ban Niang of the place. Huge responsibility, boss. Starting to pay bills like nobody's business.
- Am still not on good terms with my parents. It's like, hi mum good morning. hi mum good night.
- Hate going home.
- Spend an average of 8 hours at home a day and most of it is sleeping.
- Have strong inclinations to just leave - whenever, whatever.
- Have managed to make myself dislike working with my boss for whatever reason. This is just the vibe I'm getting, like ... I don't know. Working style, and I feel like I have to do worhtless things because in the end, his method is always right. I'm relegated to doing nothing important and significant so I'm wondering just how useful I am.
- Remember that this is, afterall, M*di*C*rp, so. Hm, forget about worrying about how useful you are, Licia, it doesn't have a point.
- Have managed to hate my work at cock-shithole M*diaC*rp where I increasingly feel like I'm living a superbly pretentious lie.
- Have, therefore, been tremendously unhappy
Which, really, leaves me to the logical conclusion that fuck, I should just get out of this cock-pit and who-am-I-kidding, things are looking up, time to get out of the comfort zone and fucking live and learn.

So maybe, just maybe, tomorrow morning I will wake up, type that bloody resignation letter, and tell my mum about it maybe next week.

God, I can be so much happier.

It's disgusting what people can say about others and at the same time spin the story around to make them sound like as though they are the heroes.

Maybe I should go back to school?

What does it feel to be a palm leaf that's dropped from its tree and landed itself on the trench of a fiberglass rood of a beach bar?

The only available company are small dried leaves whose times have come and gone, contesting their fates with that of the ever-growing territories of rusty brown moss. They all wait together in seemingly perpetual stillness, where nothing else moves.

Yet this is the same silence in which all else creatures and non-creatures continue their motions through their existence.

The humans smile; they dance.
The aroma of alcoholic concoctions wafts through the airs, mingling with the bitter-sour aftersmells of stale cigarette smokes.
The ship at the distance blows its horns. A puff of smoke and it goes on its journey gliding on water.

It is probably like a surreal dream that speaks only of transition. No longer was the leaf part of a mothership; the branch that had held it secure had given way. It fell freely.

Yet now, in some form of twisted coincidence, it's caught in this gutter, whose suffocating security robs it off the freedom to fall.

What does it feel like, then, to be suspended in mid air?

To wait, in a sense of warped serenity, for the opportunity to touch the ground.
To wait, for a gust of wind finally strong enough to overcome the static bond it has with the gutter.
For a heavy rain that would wash it down.

It rained today. And there it is, that palm leaf, sitting as quietly as ever on the trench of the beach bar's fiber glass roof. Motionless. And helpless.

Does a fallen leaf ever think about how life on the ground might be like?
Humans are as such too. They dream to fly all the time, but rarely do they plan to land.

I've seen dried twigs and leaves lying on the ground at the end of similar journeys.
They too are motionless and lie in the same silence, still.

How do I say these:

- that I'd rather be traveling around the world with the band, when she is convinced that the reason I'd want to do so is because my mind has been "poisoned" with unhealthy thoughts and instability and I will ruin my life by doing so.

- that I don't care come what may but I think I'm going to be stubborn about some nagging issues that have existed between us for the past half a year or so.

- that he needs to get out more and get to know more people for who they are, and not because of some resentful assumptions about certain ethnic standings.

- that they have had their lives and so can they please leave me alone to do what I want with mine. (this, I have tried saying but it's like hitting a brick wall)

- that I don't want to be a perfect human being. I just want to be a perfect person.

- that I do have things I'd regret my whole life if I don't do them and if they stop me, I'd blame them for the rest of my life.

- that it has come to a point I don't feel like talking to her/them anymore because each time we have more than a "good morning", it becomes an interview in which I feel I have to hang my entire life story in front of her. And when I protest, she says, why, can't I just ask / is it wrong to ask.

- that when it comes to the above, yes, it is sometimes wrong to ask too much.